Amazing children

I know I've talked about Kashia before, but her passion for life inspires me so much I have to keep going back to her.

Central Dallas is launching a postcard campaign and Kashia was chosen to be one of the kids featured on a postcard. I fell in love with the pictures as soon as I saw them. The photographer captured her so well!

This is a typical picture of Kashia. Offer her a challenge and her finger will go up to her chin in thinking mode. Her wheels will start turning and she will meet your challenge head on...usually surfacing with the answer.
I love this picture with Kashia and her mom, Chanel. Though Chanel really dislikes pictures, I think this offers a great side of Chanel that shows you what kind of mom she is. When I asked Chanel if Kashia could be involved in our postcard campaign, Chanel was afraid they might interview her (she doesn't like talking much either) and take pictures of her, too. Instead of saying no, Chanel told me that she would do whatever she needed to for Kashia's sake.
Kashia is an inquisitive and precocious child. I wonder how many more inquisitive and precocious children we might have...and I wonder how much more Kashia could aspire to... if we offered the most vulnerable and dependent of our society a high quality education, good healthcare, a safe place to live, and the resources they need.

I know there are many more Kashia's out there waiting to be discovered. What Kashia's do you know?

My Christmas wish...year-round justice

Call me a bah humbug, but I'm not a big fan of Christmas.

I was in the toy department of Target the other day and overheard a couple of White families talking to each other about purchasing gifts for the "less fortunate." The children were pointing out games and toys they liked and their father eagerly encouraged them to get several of each one enthusiastically claiming, "There will be over a thousand kids there!" A few people walked by and inquisitively asked what they were doing...to which they eagerly told them of their efforts to purchase items for "less fortunate" children who would be coming to their event.

As the kids perused through the toy aisles looking for toys to purchase and give away, I heard their mom say, "These kids are going to be 'dark-skinned' kids so we need to find some 'dark-skinned' dolls." Something about the whole thing didn't set right with me. I suppose I should give them credit and even commend them for taking into account the "darker skin" of the kids they would be giving toys to. Some people don't even do that much. I know that their intentions were probably good. It still struck a nerve with me. I wondered what their conversation sounded like to the other possibly "less fortunate" or "dark-skinned" people who might have been shopping around them.

After thinking about this scenario a while, I finally realized why all of this hype and giving to the "less fortunate" bothers me.

The people giving the gifts don't know the people they are giving to.

They don't know them before the event, nor do they seek to build a relationship with them after the event.

What happens the other 364 days of the year after Christmas is over?

Are these same people who are "getting into the Christmas spirit" by giving gifts and encouraging their children to "have fun" purchasing the gifts for "less fortunate people" putting the same efforts forth the rest of the year to help raise the minimum wage, hire under-skilled people and train them to have marketable job skills, tutor a child to help him/her grasp necessary concepts, work with someone on a part of the GED they can't seem to pass, or help someone fill out the paperwork and forms needed for them to go to college so that when future Christmas's roll around more families can afford to provide Christmas gifts for their own children?

If Christmas is about Christ, shouldn't we be working toward Christmas (being Christ-like) year-round? What would that look like? Is being Christ-like about charity...or justice?

"Let justice roll down like waters..." Amos 5:24

It's ok for your children, but not for mine

Inner city Dallas is just like every other inner city across America. Liquor, wine, and beer stores are everywhere! I remember when I went to San Francisco a few years ago how amazed I was that there were so many Starbucks...often located directly across the street from each other. If you've been to San Francisco, imagine that times 10. In South Dallas, there are certain pockets where there are probably 10 or more liquor stores in a one block area. Many of us who live in South Dallas don't want the concentration of these stores in our neighborhood any more than someone in a wealthier part of Dallas would.

Several years ago a law was passed (the article attached to this blog explains more). The law stated that no beer/wine/liquor stores could be built within a 1000 feet of a school. The law, however, grandfathered in the already established stores. Knowing that children walk by these stores every day on their way to/from school and knowing that the more concentrated alcohol establishments in an area can be directly related to the increase in crime in an area, South Dallas leaders have worked and continue to work hard to do what they can to move these establishments out. It is not an easy battle.

Yesterday I attended a court hearing protesting one of the beer and wine stores by the school. What struck me as I was sitting there was the argument of the beer and wine store's lawyer. As the witnesses gave their testimony about what the beer and wine stores do to the community, the lawyer kept refocusing their statements to ask if this particular store could be proven to create the unsafe atmosphere in the area. I could see where he was going. He was trying to keep the heat off of his client by saying that their one liquor store does nothing bad in the community. They are perfectly legal in what they are selling and, he even went on to argue that they are a "good neighbor" in the community because the owners actually keep crime off of their property.

I realize he's a lawyer and lawyer's are supposed to defend their clients whether they believe them to be innocent or not. But I would be interested to know where his children go to school and whether he would want them walking by liquor stores and the people that frequent them every day. Actually, as he argued that Buy and Save was actually a "good neighbor" that keeps crime away, I wanted to challenge him to walk from Pearl C. Anderson to any one of these kids' homes. I would almost bet my last dollar that he, a grown man, would probably be scared and would refuse.

So why is it ok for our South Dallas children to have to deal with that? Don't our children in South Dallas deserve the same healthy environment as any other kid? Or do we pay no attention to it because it because if we don't live there it doesn't affect us and our children?

It's a frustrating battle. I agree that Buy and Save Discount Beer and Wine is not the sole reason there are drugs, crime, and prostitution in South Dallas. However, it is a contributor. We're working to get those "contributors" out one by one.

After Bible study is over...

Most Thursday nights I end up taking "home" a lady who attends the same Bible study I do. I put "home" in quotes because she is technically homeless. I usually take her to a round-the-clock diner where she gets a cup of coffee and hangs out until someone takes her to the "24 hour Club," a place that provides mats (or a bunk, if you're lucky) to sleep on. She seems to have a male friend or two who she stays with periodically.

Our ride downtown is nearly always the same. We begin by chatting about how much she loves red soda and how she gets her fill of that at Smokey's (the restaurant where our Bible study is held). The conversation then turns to lottery tickets and how much she loves the lottery. Then she always turns to tell me she wants to have "pretty things" like I do. The conversation switches back and forth between lottery tickets and my "pretty things" until we arrive at her destination.

I can handle chit-chatty conversation about red soda. It's a safe topic. However, every time she starts talking about lottery tickets and her enamour with my "things," I get uncomfortable.

First of all, I don't like lottery tickets. They irritate me because I think they're a trap that provides false hope to those who are poor. The promise of possibly being a multi-millionaire, despite the odds, keeps people going back day after day.

I have finally given up trying to convince my friend that she has probably spent way more money on lottery tickets than she has won (or ever will win). I can't decide if she actually spends the money on the lottery tickets or just fantasizes about them. Either way, she knows which ticket plays on what day of the week and she has even informed me about seasonal lottery tickets (I didn't know there was such a thing!). Her obsession with lottery tickets drives me crazy. I never quite know how to respond.

I am thrown off even more when she explains to me (after I try to convince her that lottery tickets are a waste of money) that she plays the lottery so she can have nice things like me. She likes my car. She thinks my earrings are pretty ("and expensive," she is quick to add), even though they are the one of the only two pair I own. She likes the way I dress.

I always try to come up with some good reason for why I have what I do..."I work hard. I saved my money. I didn't buy lottery tickets. I went to college," I tell her. The words seem ridiculous as they come out of my mouth. So much of what I have is because of what grandparents and parents saved for me and what friends have given me. And despite my justification about why I have certain "things," the things I have are a little audacious when I think of what she and many of my other limited income friends have.

I want to justify myself. I mean, come on! Comparatively speaking, I live more modestly than most of the Dallasites.

I tell her it's not about "things." "Things" don't make you happy. But who am I kidding?? If there weren't some type of gratification or ease in having "things," I wouldn't have them! I'm not the one having to beg for rides home from Bible study or having to try to figure out where to stay each night.

I try to explain I have a good job because I went to college. To which she wistfully replies that getting a good education is important, as if knowing that is a good thing, but what good will that do her now that she doesn't have it?

The fact of the matter is that she can't afford even a roof over her head.

I don't know if my friend has ever worked. I'm guessing she may have some type of slight mental illness, though I don't know that for a fact. I really don't know if she is capable of working. My guess is probably not.

So I'm left every Thursday night grappling with the guilt, helplessness, and realization that some people are really struggling in this world with no chance or opportunity to get ahead, even if they want to.

For the benefit of all

Where do our selfish motives and our fears come from?

I read an article in the Washington Post about the current attempts White parents are making to sway desegregation orders so that their children can get put into the best schools and avoid the worst. The "best" schools have AP classes available, multiple opportunities, challenging coursework...and are made up of primarily White children. The "worst" schools have few, if any college-prep, rigorous classes, fewer extracurricular opportunities, and lower expectations for the kids...oh yeah...and are made up of primarily Black and Hispanic children.

Here's what I don't get. These parents who are working so hard to keep their children out of the "worst" schools...why don't they go ahead and put their child in the school and then work just as diligently to fight for the same quality of education and classes at that "bad" school so that all of the children involved can benefit?? Instead, they work overtime to make sure their child avoids the "bad" school...even to the point of enrolling their child illegally in a suburban district and lying to the school about their child's enrollment until their child gets moved up on the waiting list in their own district and is able to attend the school of their (or their parent's) choice.

I suppose I'd be naive to say that I don't know why urban schools don't have more rigor, more AP classes, and other programs that middle and upper-middle class parents want for their children. On the surface, kids in those schools appear to not care...about themselves, their community, or their academic achievements. However, I know that many of these kids, with the right expectations and the right challenge, can far exceed what the schools are currently expecting of them (I've witnessed it!). Think about it, though, that's exactly why many White, middle class parents are working so hard to get their kids in other schools. They recognize that if you put a child in a situation where there is little or no opportunity to grow, they won't! The difference in these White, middle class parents than many of the parents in the area around these "bad" schools is that the White, middle class parents have the money, time, resources, connections, and knowledge of the system to make sure their child gets what they want/need.

If parents who ultimately end up with successful, academically prepared students are making sure they secure those opportunities for their own children, shouldn't we think about what they are seeking out and figure out how to offer it in all of our schools for all of our children?? I have been around kids and "systems" long enough to know that putting a few AP classes into a school is not going to draw the masses of our urban kids. It's going to take time and it's going to take an effort by everyone involved to make sure the kids know about the wealth of opportunities available, can access them (financially and physically), and are prepared for them. This cannot be done by making the opportunities available and then lowering expectations. Our kids deserve so much better than that. We need to make the opportunities available and then work to make sure our kids are prepared for the intensity of those higher expectations.

Look below the surface of what you see in urban neighborhoods and urban schools. The problems aren't the unruly and out of control kids. It's not just the parents or lack thereof of the unruly and out of control kids. The problems run so much deeper. Look at the way the system is set up. Decide if you would want your child to be in those situations. If not, help us figure out how to solve those problems at a systemic level so that every child has an opportunity to be successful.

And realize that the ones who do come out of that system successful are way more extraordinary than we ever give them credit for.

Overcoming the odds

The perseverance, successes, and determination of the kids around me completely amaze me.

About 8 years ago I had the privilege of assisting the coaching of a Ranger Rookie League baseball team for 4th and 5th graders. After we had gathered our team together, not only did we have some budding baseball players (some of whom had never picked up a baseball before), but we also had some good parental support.

One of the parents, Mr. Aparicio, brought water and snacks to every practice we had for the kids. Through those two years of baseball, I got to know the Aparicio's. I was blessed to be invited into their family when they had special events. We discovered their oldest daughter, Kim, and I share the same birthday. When they had Kim's quincenera, I was invited to join in and celebrate; when Oscar (our Rookie League baseball player) had baseball games in high school, they gave me a schedule and when he graduated from high school, I was given one of the coveted tickets. Every once in a while Mr. Aparicio will call to give me an update or invite me to a family event. Though I don't see them often, I cherish those times that they include me.

All-in-all, they are an absolutely wonderful family. They've have worried about their children staying in the local, low-performing public school. They have tried to do whatever they could to get their children into the magnet schools and they support them in everything they do. They push their limits financially so that their children can have the best education.

Their oldest daughter, Kim, will now graduate from SMU next month. She is an absolutely amazing and determined individual. When she was at Townview (high school) she used to tell me about her internships in the ER (in high school!!). She was interested in the medical field. When she went on to SMU she told me about her aspirations to be a dentist. But, most recently, she let me know that what she really wanted to do was be a doctor. On somewhat of a whim, she decided to take the MCAT to see how she would do. Though I don't know if she quite realizes it, she is brilliant. Her scores on the MCAT were such that she could apply to medical school. However, just like I mentioned in my last blog, fear was holding her back. See her email to me:

Hi Ms.Janet
Hope you're doing well. I'm on my last couple of weeks of school. It's a little scary and the whole "too close to the end" laziness seems to be kicking in too. I was wondering if you could send me your address so that I can send you a formal invitation to my graduation. It's December 9th at 7:30 pm. I also have been interviewing at different medical schools. I've interviewed so far at San Antonio, Texas Tech in Lubbock and in the next couple of weeks I'll interview at UT Southwestern in Dallas, TCOM in Fort Worth, and Houston Medical school. I'm still waiting to hear from Galveston and Texas A&M but we'll see if they call or not. It's crazy because I would of never thought I'd be in this position growing up or even a year ago when I had planned to apply to dental school and now hopefully one of the medical schools will offer me acceptance. I had limited myself, thinking that I might not be good enough to even get an interview in medical school until my mentor said that I had too much firepower to not go all the way with this thought and I would probably regret it if I didn't apply to med school wondering "what if". So luckily I listened to someone else and went for it. Now I'm just crossing my fingers to see if it turns out the way I'd like it to. Hope to hear from you soon.
Kim

Thank goodness Kim didn't allow her fears to get the better of her. Kim grew up in a low-income area where expectations are often low. Unfortunately, for many kids, the outside world's expectations of them get the better of them and they don't choose to take the risk and do what they have the skills and talent to do. In Kim's case, she stepped out and it paid off:

Hi Ms.Janet
Just wanted to tell you that I got into medical school! I'm pretty psyched. Now I have to pick, which one to go to because I was offered admissions to UT Southwestern in Dallas, UTHSCA in San Antonio, and UTMB in Galveston. They are all great medical schools but now that I have options I don't know where I should go. Well, hope you had a great Thanksgiving, I was blessed with this news and had a good Thanksgiving as well. Hope you're doing well.Thanks, Kim Aparicio

These kids need to be congratulated and supported so much more than they are. The fact that they have overcome the odds is a feat that many of us will never understand.

In a few years, if you're seeking a new doctor, look for Kim Aparicio. I guarantee you she will make a GREAT doctor.

Congratulations, Kim.

Is fear holding you back?

Over the holidays my cousin asked me a question that I didn't have the answer to. She was telling me about their local public school and how students were scared to go there because of the violence. Just recently, she explained, one of the kids had pushed another kid down a flight of stairs, injuring him to the point of hospitalization. She then went on to ask, "You work with Black people. Why do they hate each other so much?"

Despite the fact that I know there's probably some degree of underlying racism in that question, I didn't have an answer for her. In my mind, there is no short answer to that. Even if I had given her the long answer, I don't know that I could explain the oppression, the systemic racism, the self-hatred (often times due to the way the media presents people of color), the poverty, and the difficult family situations that all contribute to this phenomena. The answer is much too complicated...and quite honestly, I don't have an answer--either to refute her question or to affirm it.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a 20-year old I hadn't seen in quite some time. I've watched him grow up since he was about 9-years old. I've watched him change from a sweet, innocent child to an angry, self-destructive young man. I posed my cousin's question to him to which he replied, "I ask myself the same thing."

He doesn't know why he or his friends act the way they do. Once again, I think it's very complicated. But as he explained to me that he was trying to change and do things differently I began to realize that one of the major things that keeps holding him back is FEAR. He's afraid of venturing into the unknown. He told me point black, "I'm afraid if I step out I won't have any friends." That's powerful. And that's real. But it's not unusual. Several other teenagers have told me the same thing, "I'm afraid."

Even knowing that, I still can't say the solution to his fear is simple. We need to be available...we need to be visible...we need to be persistent. But sometimes even that doesn't work. I can't change his thinking...about himself or about the situations around him. Only he can.

I know for me, surrounding myself with good people who love me despite and in spite of myself really helps. Surrounding myself around people who I feel the need to be accountable to helps as well. The love that people show me despite my flaws continues to inspire me. I hope he can recognize that he has people around him who always have and always will love him as well. I hope he realizes that we want him to do better...for himself and for what he has to offer the rest of us. Hopefully that realization will help him conquer some of his fears as he steps out.

Racial insults

I have a friend who believes that racism is just under the surface for most White people--even though we are always attempting to remain politically correct. He insisted one time that if he antagonized me enough I would probably eventually call him a nigger.

I was having a discussion with another friend of mine who informed me that some of the people in my neighborhood try to tell her that I may be nice to her face, but as soon as she leaves my house I'm probably calling her a nigger.

With both friends, I try to insist that those thoughts have never even crept into my mind. I'm not sure how much they believe me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming to be perfect...I do realize that White people feel free to say things around me, because I'm White, that I know they wouldn't say if a person of color were sitting there. I know I've also said some things that my friends of color (Hispanic, Black, and Indian) get exasperated with and have corrected me on. However, I don't hear or think the volatile racist epithets that it seems my friends seem to assume we're saying. (Though several Black people have told me before that they would almost prefer the overt racism so they at least they know where they stand with us.). The White people I know make assumptions, and therefore comments, about Black people that are based on ignorance due to systemic representations and the way our society has chosen to segregate based on what we have and how we look. When appropriate, I try to share the lessons I have learned about my own inadvertent racist actions with other White people...sometimes they listen and sometimes they don't.

Even though I realize that racism still exists in different forms, I think I'm naive. I want to believe that in 2006, racism isn't volatile...that's it's more about making comments we don't realize are as inappropriate and hurtful as they are. But Michael Richards and Mel Gibson are helping to prove that in 2006 it is still more than unconscious comments. Their comments show me that, just as my friends are saying, these thoughts must be festering deep down inside of White people. Maybe not all of us, but enough of us that it is difficult to know where someone stands on their true feelings about race and ethnicity. Richards' anger and Gibson's intoxication prove my friends' point even more. It's not in our sane moments that we make these comments. It's when our guard is down...when we are least able to control our politically correct facade.

I suppose it's not my job to take on the world and figure out how we all need to deal with ingrained and systemic racism. But I also can't sit back and watch it happen without making an effort to work actively against it.

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. ~Andy Warhol

I don't have the answers. All I know to do is to continue putting the conversation on the table and remain open to correction myself.

Respecting each other through dialogue

Last night I attended a film club, sponsored by a local non-profit. The film they showed was about three mothers who had lost their sons to police brutality, yet all of the police officers walked away with no convictions.

Knowing there was a facilitated discussion afterward, as I watched the film I anticipated talking about whether or not people feel that type of uncontrolled police brutality is happening in our communities and, if so, what we can do to deal with it. I thought about the great conversation I had with the Chief of Police of my area and her willingness and openness to admitting that her officers make errors, then our continued conversation about how she is working to deal with those issues. She was honest and did not strike me as a person to defend her officers if they were in the wrong. The Chief and I talked about how that honesty could go a long way in building trust in our community.

Instead, the facilitated discussion was much different than I had expected. The man leading the discussion started off by talking about White "Crackers" with an intensity that I have never heard before. He talked about White imperialism and his disgust with White establishment. As he opened up discussion, other people spoke up with similar comments.

As the only White person in the room, needless to say, I was uncomfortable with the conversation. I didn't know how to respond or react. It didn't seem to bother the people there. They spoke as if I were invisible to them.

I couldn't get the event off of my mind as I drove home. How do I get myself in these situations? The people who invited me don't seem openly hostile toward White people, but it was obvious that there was a lot of anger and hurt in that room. I debated in my mind if I should even be a part of something that seemed to me to promote separatism.

It was still on my mind when I woke up this morning. I talked to a friend of mine who mentioned she had been in a similar situation, but reversed. She was the only Black face in a sea of White people who were complaining about and irritated with Black folk.

I have come to a realization. Maybe attending events similar to that is something I/we do need to be a part of. Yes, it made me uncomfortable. But it also helped me to see the intensity of the pain and hurt that still exists. I need to hear that.

Being there doesn't mean I agree with a separatist agenda. In fact, I am very opposed to that. But how can we ever get to the point of creating dialogue and hearing each other if we don't engage with people who may not have the same ideas as us?

Some of my best relationships have come out of open (sometimes loud and angry) disagreements with people. In the situations I can think of, respect and deep friendship developed when we finally both listened to each other and realized that each person's thoughts and opinions stemmed from their own experiences. Once we realized that, we began looking at situations from each others' perspectives and gained a new respect and interest in each others' thoughts and opinions.

Though I don't believe last night's forum would have been the appropriate place for me to stand up and voice my disagreement with what was being said, being there does provide me with the opportunity to talk to my friends who were there and seek an understanding of their thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Then, if they are open to hearing me, which I have no reason to believe they wouldn't be, it would allow me to also present my thoughts, feelings, and opinions as well. Maybe by placing myself in uncomfortable situations I can have the courage to open myself to conversations that would've never happened otherwise.

My idealism says that it is possible to create meaningful dialogue where we will be able to hear and learn from each other.

Feel free to join in.

Using power for good

Gary has always been one of my favorites. He knows it, other people know it, and I can't deny it. But there are reasons why.

There is nothing I couldn't ask of Gary that he wouldn't do. He knows that I would do the same for him. But what's neat to me is that while I am a resource for Gary (he calls me to ask about anything from relationships to court cases...none of which I am qualified to answer, but he always asks anyway), he has become such a resource to others!

Gary grew up in the neighborhood where I live. Not all of the guys he hung with were good influences. In fact, he nearly didn't finish high school because of his connection with the other guys was always getting him in trouble, in addition to his own smart mouth with teachers who would harass him. I don't think many people expected much out of Gary.

During his first (and only) year in college, he started working at Sam's. As he began working more and more, he didn't have as much time to hang out with the guys. He has never stopped being their friend, though. I admire Gary because he didn't leave the community once he started getting his stuff together. He doesn't look down on people in his neighborhood. In fact, he stays in contact with all of the guys (he just doesn't have as much time to hang out with them anymore), and encourages them to apply at Sam's when he knows they need a job (which he recognizes that many of them do). Then, he offers to use his influence to help them get a position at Sam's. He doesn't just look for any guy, though. He recognizes that he has a reputation (and a job) to protect. If he knows the person isn't going to be dedicated to the job or if he knows them well enough to know they would lose their cool the first time someone says something to them, he doesn't hire them (or influence the hiring of them).

Gary has worked at Sam's for over 3 years now. His personality and charm, along with his dedication and commitment, has moved him up the ranks. They continue to ask him to be a Manager-in-Training (MIT), which he continues to refuse. He doesn't want the stress. (...if only I could say no to inducing stress in my life!). Despite his refusal to do the MIT program, he is still very respected at his job. Gary is in a position to help other people. He has pull. And he uses that pull for good.

Gary has figured out how to use what he has been given to help others.

What are you doing (this question is directed to myself as well) to use your power and your influence to help others?