The Animal Odd Couple

Overcoming our vast differences and accepting each other for who we are. Just something to think about...



"If they can do it, what's our excuse?"

Lessons from Gran Torino

SPOILER ALERT!!! If you haven't seen Gran Torino and plan to, you may not want to read this post just yet. If you haven't, I highly recommend you see it. Once you have, please comment and add your own reflections to this list.
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Here are some of my reflections and little life lessons from Gran Torino.

You can "kill" (win over) people with kindness. I was impressed with Sue's ability to see past a grouchy old man and his racist comments. Sue was wise enough to know she had something to offer Walt. He needed the unconditional love her family, and the community, offered him...and he eventually figured out he had much to offer as well.

Look deeper than the surface. Sue did this. Not only did she look past the racist comments herself, but she took Walt into her world to challenge her own family to get past their assumptions about him and challenged him to get past his assumptions about the Hmong. She was a great teacher who saw something more. As a result, his honesty and lack of tact challenged her and her brother to make wiser choices to live up to their own worth and value.

Little things done in and by the community make big changes. In the Hmong culture, family name was important so Tao had to work for Walt to bring credibility back to their name. Though every culture may not see this the same way and neighbors may not provide free labor, I think of my dad who always hired a teenager or two from the community to work on the farm with him. Teenagers are cheap labor and working (especially when we work alongside them) provides great life-lessons--even when just raking leaves, fixing small household issues, or doing a small project.

Doing something for someone else benefits everyone. When Walt couldn't think of anything for Tao to do, he sent him across the street to fix the neighbor's eye-sore house. It was a perfect fit...Tao had to do free labor...neighbor's homes were in disrepair--maybe because of lack of time, lack of money, or lack of knowledge of how to repair...and Walt had time, tools, and knowledge of repairing. Walt was being self-serving because he didn't like looking at the eye-sore, but in the process, he created "community" because other neighbors came to him asking putting in their suggestions for what else Tao could do. The effort became a win-win for everyone.

Sometimes evil is just evil. I kept thinking Walt's efforts with Tao would somehow win over the gang members. I wanted them to change. I hoped for the happy ending. But sometimes that behavior has to be brought out and purged from the community...even if they are relatives and close friends.

Relationships have more impact than retaliation. Purging from the community is hard. Fear is part of it; wanting to believe they can change is another part. Tight-lipped is not limited to the Hmong. But the deep sense of love and concern won over. I know the police don't always come. And even when you can point out who did something, it doesn't always result in arrests. However, I believe that a deep sense of caring and concern for each other, stimulated by a passion for justice, can change that.

I know there are other lessons that I may be missing. I'd love to hear yours.

Reflections of insignificance

As I walked into Albertson's, I could see a man out of the corner of my eye. I could see he was looking at me. He was unshaven and slightly unkempt...I would assume homeless. I continued walking toward the store, looking straight ahead and continuing my phone conversation.

"Hey," I heard.

Here it comes. Someone hitting me up for something...again. I kept walking and talking.

"Janet," he continued.

I turned my head and had to focus a minute. His face looked familiar, but he was much skinnier than I remembered. "Jonathan*!" I exclaimed, and gave him a hug.

I ended my phone conversation so I could talk to him.

"How was your Christmas?" he asked.

"Pretty good. Yours?"

With a shrug of his shoulders, he replied, "It's over."

I hadn't seen him in a while so I asked where he was these days. "Here and there," he explained, but then went on to tell me how he had found this fenced in overhang behind XYZ restaurant that was a covered area that provided safety and protection from the weather. He asked if I would mind picking him up a few things while I was in the store. "Sure!" I replied.

He started explaining how he had figured out how to make his meals work as cheaply as possible and began telling me the few items he needed. I didn't see the point (or the dignity) in leaving him outside while I purchased food so I asked him to walk with me and get what he needed. We chatted and caught up as we walked through the store. He explained his purchases. A loaf of bread...the cheapest brand. A package of individual chip bags because he can eat a bag in a sitting and the ants don't get to them. A 12-pack of sodas for the same reason...plus, he explained, the canned soda doesn't go flat. Preserving meat is a little tricker, he explained. He picked up a package of hot links and informed me about the lasting effect of the sausage. He said he could make two packages last a while and asked if it was okay to get two packages.

After buying the groceries, he asked if I would mind dropping him off at a location around the corner. He explained that a guy was allowing him to store his stuff in a back shed...but the man was real particular about him being discreet so he didn't want me to take him all the way to the house. Jonathan chuckled at his own situation. "Some homeless-looking guy walks toward this house, but he's not stealing anything, he's actually taking groceries in! How can you be discreet about that?!" he wondered aloud.

He wished me a Happy New Year and said he would come visit our new After-School Academy as he unloaded his stuff and proceeded to walk down the street to his storage area.

As I drove off, I realized that to anyone else that may have looked like a good deed--lady walks into the store, says hi to a homeless man, buys his groceries, and takes him home...a good deed during the holidays.

To me, however, it was reason for thoughtful reflection about the way we see (or don't see) people who are "insignificant" to us.

My personal "policy" most of the time is that I don't give money to requests from random people. I try to stay focused on the kids and teenagers I know who are working toward some personal goal(s). But it's not people like Jonathan's fault that I don't know them. It's my own fault.

As we enter the new year, I need to reflect on my own efforts toward meeting and interacting with those who would, otherwise, be "insignificant" to me.

*not his real name

Obama's choice of Rick Warren

I'm not sure why people are so surprised over President-elect Obama's choice of Rick Warren to do the invocation. Barack Obama said from the beginning that he planned to bring everyone to the table. The media demonstrated intrigue when they found out he was reading Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln.

Now he has chosen Rick Warren and people on the left are upset.

Though I'm not a Rick Warren fan, I am really impressed with the President-elect's choices. He is following through on his word to value people without necessarily agreeing with them.

This last semester, I taught a graduate level Diversity and Equity in Education class. Racially, we weren't that diverse; half of the class was Black, half was White. But within that mix, there were many diverse views and experiences. As we engaged in conversation throughout the semester, we got to know each other.

We found out about Susan* (names have been changed) who is White and is married to a man who is Hispanic. Kristen, though on the surface she appeared "White," she has a rich culutral background of Jewish, Spanish, and White. Assim is African American and experienced at least one racial slur or insensitivity each week at the predominantly White school where he teaches. Kristen, who is White, grew up in the 70s during school desegregation in Dallas.

It was obvious at some points that we didn't all agree. In fact, I know that many were in adamant disagreement with some of the people and issues in the class. Many emotions and frustrations came out during this semester. Yet through this, we learned.

The tension was thick and emotions were high as one lady disclosed her own failed interracial marriage and explained how that experience reinforced her parents' teachings that interracial relationships were wrong. She went on to explain how her daughter's interracial marriage and the birth of her bi-racial grandson cause her great struggle as she tries to figure out how to love him.

Though that is painful and sad for me to write and remember, I also realize it was because she disclosed this information openly to the class that Susan was able to respond and talk about her own (positive) interracial marriage, her family's painful reaction to that marriage, and her current pregnancy. It allowed Kristen to talk about her experience growing up as a biracial child...and how her family taught her to celebrate all of her cultural heritage.

After an entire semester of self-reflection, diverse speakers, many diverse readings, and dialogue with others, one student decided, "I have really had to take a closer look at myself. I have had to sort out my thoughts and beliefs, from what they were and what they will be in the future. I had to examine...my opinions." The sad thing was, this same student came to the conclusion that, "Diversity does not belong in my family now or ever. I am an effective teacher and I can teach without seeing color and be successful."

Yet others commented that...

"As awkward and uncomfortable the discussions, films and activities were at times, I’m indebted for being a part of the eye-opening experience this diversity course offered."

"I know that I’m a racist. I don’t know if I’ve ever acknowledged it before, but the way that I think and the way that I believe, make me a racist. I’m so sad to admit that. I do think that some of my views are backwards and need to be changed, but after 28 years, it’s a hard thing to do."

"I learned that listening is sometimes more important than speaking and silence is never the right answer."

One student summed it up by saying, "sometimes the gruffness we hear in others voices and the pain that we see on their faces has a past and a history."

We need each other.

I believe the honesty in the class challenged all of our beliefs and thoughts. It would not have happened if we hadn't have been "forced" to be in a classroom together every week for 16 weeks talking about and challenging our beliefs about diversity.

We have to form relationships in order to get to that point. It is not until we are in conversation with each other that we can begin to understand each other and are able to challenge each others' belief systems.

We need more communication with each other. We need less divisiveness. I think Barack Obama should be commended for modeling this to all of us.

President-elect Obama: "A new dawn of American leadership is at hand."

"Barack Obama is our next president." Typing that statement still overwhelms me with emotion. I've watched his speech three or four times and have the same feeling.

I am a very passionate and emotional person, but I don't shed tears often. On Tuesday, as the screen flashed the statement above in big, bold letters, I could feel the emotion welling up from my chest. As I stood in the middle of 6000 African-American people crying, dancing, praying, and some in complete shock, I wondered if I had the right to be so overcome with emotion. After all, I'm not Black...I haven't endured what they have to get to this day.

I held back the tears until I started receiving multiple phone calls and text messages, most of which were from the young adults that we have dubbed the apathetic generation...all of whom were Black and Hispanic. The emotion came faster than I could hold it back. My tears were for them.

For the 23-year old young man who text'd me after he voted, explaining:

"Obama's my idol! He just became one of the reasons I want to make sure I pursue my degree and perfect my speaking skills. He presents himself in a way that I wish I could at interviews and important outings."

For the 25-year old African-American teacher who explained to me that she thought she had high expectations for all of her students, but after Obama became president, she realized she had never thought it would be realistic for her African-American students to say, "I want to be President."

For the 23-year old young man who has worked hard to get past neighborhood influences of drug dealing, friends who are in prison for murder, and friends who have been killed...but who called two days after the election saying, "You've got to help me find a newspaper from yesterday! I want to frame it!"

For the White grandmother who called me in tears Tuesday night because, though she is a democrat and an Obama supporter, this election has a whole new impact on her because of her 3-year old bi-racial grandchild.

My tears came because of the African-American children I have known for years...and how I know this election impacted them.

But my tears also came because I know this election was for ALL of us. As Barack Obama said in his speech on Tuesday night,

"...our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand."

We are all connected.

My hope...and the reason I voted for Barack Obama...is because I believe he will help us understand that we ALL have a shared destiny. I believe he will help us see that people of all cultures, ethnicities, skin colors, and places of the world need each other and can benefit from the relationships that develop.

Is segregation natural?

Urban Experience is a program designed for suburban youth groups. The students are almost always all white.

Each session I invite several teenagers I know well to participate. They are mostly black...sometimes Hispanic.

My goal with the Urban Experience program is to create awareness...to create new understanding...to help suburban teenagers challenge some of their preconceived (and, often, unconscious) notions about the inner city. I include our teenagers so there is real interaction and engagement with people on an equal level instead of always interacting with inner city residents on a "charity" or "service" level.

I have high hopes that once people begin to see--whether black or white, poor or wealthy, gay or straight, Christian or Muslim--that everyone has goals and dreams...everyone wants to be treated with dignity. I want them to talk to each other so they can understand someone else's definition of dignity and respect. I want them to listen to and learn from each other. I try to challenge participants by initiating conversations (and requiring every teenager from both groups to participate) about racism, socioeconomic status, neighborhoods, and talking about themselves.

This year I began to regret my decision to include my teenagers from Dallas.

As my teenagers talked to me after they had spent their days going into different urban neighborhoods with the group, I felt like I had perpetuated the very stereotypes that I sought to counter.

Though I tried to put teenagers on an equal level, the "poor, black, inner city resident" stereotype, and the assumptions that go along with it, remained. Though it may not have been intentional or obvious to the suburban participants, it was strongly felt by the teenagers I had asked to participate. The absolute last thing I wanted was to hurt the teenagers I interact with on a regular basis.

After contemplating much of this in my own mind, one of the speakers (before his presentation) randomly asked me, "Is segregation natural?"

As I looked across the room, I thought back to the beginning of each week of Urban Experience. Each week, students came in and sat down--whites on one side, blacks on the other. Each time, I made everyone "move around" and "mix it up." By the end of each week, some would gravitate back toward the people with whom they were comfortable (i.e. people of their own ethnicity...people they had known for a while). By the end of the week, however, I only had to give a "look" and people would begin to switch seats and move so that they were sitting between and conversing with new and less familiar friends. As the group would leave on Friday, many exchanged phone numbers, facebook, and myspace pages.

I don't expect that one week fixes everything. In fact, some participants left and did not like or necessarily agree with the approach. However, by creating honest (and uncomfortable) conversations, I have hope that it has challenged people to think about and talk about segregation, assumptions, what led us to this point, and what we can do to reverse it....with others who look like them as well as continuing and seeking out conversation with those who don't. I have hope that as we get to know each other and "see beyond the surface," we will do more to value and respect each other for who we each are...not overlooking people's differences, but celebrating them and learning from them.

As I look back on the three weeks of Urban Experience groups, I reflected on the speaker's question:

Is segregation "natural?" (i.e. innate)

No.

Is segregation "natural?" (i.e. normal...instinctive)

Yes...but only because we have made it that way, make excuses as to why "it's not my fault," and, thus, allow it to continue.

By purposefully and intentionally getting involved with each other, with an openness to learning something from the other, maybe we can change that.

Opening doors to people

My parents changed our house into a Bed and Breakfast when I graduated from high school. They had the bed and breakfast up until a few years ago when they retired.

I remember being very skeptical of allowing people to come in and stay at our home. However, it ended up being a natural fit--my mom is an early riser, a talker, and a great cook.

I have no idea how many people went through our doors over the 15 years or so it was open. Many people came back over and over again...I can only imagine that part of their return was the great conversation and part of it was the homemade cinnamon rolls...pecan muffins...stuffed omelettes...english muffin bread...homemade strawberry jam...biscuits and gravy...mmmmmmmmmm......

Anyway...I digress. :)

My parents are very strong Christians. They always started breakfast off with a prayer. They always went to church on Sundays and Wednesday nights. If guests were planning to come in, they explained that they would be at church and then left the door to the house unlocked and told the guests how to get in (even if they didn't know them).

But above all of that...or maybe because of all that, they got to know people.

My mom would tell me stories about people from Germany, New York, or even others in Missouri. They exchanged recipes and talked about their kids. She kept a world map and put pins on the places where each guest was from. She took a picture of everyone who walked through their doors. She even convinced guests living in and around Dallas to meet up with me once they returned home and deliver the homemade goods she had packed.

My mom found common interests and she connected with people no matter who they were or where they were from. I believe she felt that each person she met had something new to offer her...and, in the process, her conversation must've offered them something as well...or they wouldn't have returned so often.

I appreciate that lesson.

The need for community

Walking out of the taqueria, a man hollered from across the parking lot.

"Eh!"

When I didn't turn around, he hollered again.

"Eh! Habla espanol?"

"Solamente pocito," I explained.

He launched into a long explanation (all in Spanish) that I only partially understood. However, it was clear that he was asking for money.

Every time someone asks me for money, I struggle.

Part of me wants to hand over money, part of me thinks it best (or should I say easiest) to defer to our food pantry, part of me is offended that someone would think that they can not work and then ask me for my hard earned money.

But the nagging feeling when I leave, whether I've given money or not, is the fact that I truly don't know what that person is going through.

Is he a drug user? ...How is he ever going to get help with his addiction?

Is he undocumented? ...How do you find work when you're undocumented?

Did he have a felony? ...Has he lost all hope because of the difficulty of getting a job after being released from prison?

Is he really trying to find a job and can't, but has a family to feed?

I have no desire to enable anyone. But I want to help if the need is legitimate.

As I walked away from the man, I couldn't help but wonder who his "community" is. Does he belong to a church? Who does he know in his neighborhood? Is he connected with other friends and family? If he's not working, does he volunteer anywhere? Who does he talk to? What resources does he have to help him work toward improving his life?

Where do our community systems break down?

In many urban communities I know, the goal often becomes safety and self-preservation...and thus isolation. After all, rumor has it that inner city communities are "bad." So, they (just like the rest of us) buy into the rumors and believe that everyone around them falls into the "bad" category. So...in order to stay away from "riff-raff" they stay inside and rarely talk to their neighbors.

The reality is that there are other good people in the neighborhood who want good things for themselves, their community, and their children as well. The only opportunity for relief in urban communities, we have been convinced, is for people from outside of the community to go in and teach, help, etc.

I can't help but think a more effective approach for people wanting to "help" would be to focus on assisting in organizing communities--connecting with people in the communities...and then helping them connect to each other. Connected people...organized people...are relational, help each other, hold each other accountable, and challenge the systems that oppress them.

People in the community have a better idea what is wanted and needed in their community. Are we listening to the community?

..............................................................................................

As I walked away, I saw the man approach the next person. Though I could make assumptions about who he is and his ambition, work ethic or lack thereof, I continue to wonder...

Do people in the community truly want hand-outs...or is that the only way they feel they are able to meet their needs?

Unifying faith

I grew up thinking that my faith...er...excuse me...my religion...was the only "right" religion.

I knew I was a Christian because I went to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. I had all of my dogma down. As a teenager, I argued with friends over the fact that God created the earth in seven, 24-hour days and I argued that evolution was wrong and didn't exist. I was a good, moral person and very adamant about my beliefs.

Then I went off to college.

I began seeing the world.

I was thrown for a loop when I took communion at a church in Italy and they had wine instead of grape juice! (I had always been taught that any kind of alcohol was sinful!)

When I did an internship in Chicago, I was dumbfounded at the faith of recovering alcoholics who followed the 12-step program better than I followed my Bible...and who truly believed in a "Power greater than themselves."

When I went to Africa, I was taken aback when members of the church walked in, kneeled at the front, and made a "sign of the cross" just like Catholics.

When I moved to Boston, I had to re-evaluate my beliefs as women played important roles in the church.

Yet, no matter who they were, or how they worshipped, I began to see that people had a deep faith. I came to the conclusion that faith was more about actions and interactions than it was about dogma. I recognized that their faith may not be the way I profess my faith and that they may not call their "higher power" God like I do, but we all believe in something greater than ourselves...and what we believe in impacts the way we live.

I came to the conclusion that "different" didn't mean "wrong."

It's exciting to me to think that we can unite knowing that we all have "faith" in common...no matter how we choose to celebrate that faith. Faith that drives a people leads to good things--whether Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, etc. We are not that different.

The Baha'i faith has recognized this and has begun sponsoring Sunday School classes that do just that...bring people of different religions together to learn from each other and learn with each other about virtues. You can read/listen to the segment here: Class Teaches Virtues to Children of Many Faiths.

So many times, I think we bring up economic, racial, religious differences and we talk about "tolerance." I think we need to do more than "tolerate" one another. I have hope that classes like these would take people from "tolerance" and move us toward appreciation and acceptance.

Moving forward

What an amazing group of women! For the last four days, 13 women from Turner Courts attended a job readiness program (see more at Sylvia's blog: http://www.lovethyneighbors.blogspot.com/).

Each day, the women talked. They talked about ways to approach job interviews, appropriate attire, things to say. But they also bonded with each other. Despite the fact that all of the women live in Turner Courts, many of them didn't know each other. They bonded as they talked about personal issues and discovered things about each other.

As I inquired about their experience, one of my friends explained that it really helped them get to know each other. She spoke of one lady (I'll call her Scheree) who she had seen around at the After-School Academy. She explained to me that, at the beginning of the class, Scheree was very quiet and said very little. By Thursday, however, she was completely different. She had a sparkle in her eye, a smile on her face, and she made comments during class.

Though I didn't see Scheree in the class, I talked to her after class yesterday. Her eyes lit up as she told me about the class. She explained that the classes were really helpful because, at 30, she's never had a job before and never knew about things like how to dress, what to say, and how to interview.

Today was their last day. When I walked in around 1:00, I immediately inquired about the cake sitting on the table, hoping someone had brought it for snacks. Sylvia excitedly explained that I should've been there an hour earlier. All 13 participants had gotten together to bring a spread of food that looked like Thanksgiving! ...broccoli-rice casserole, catfish, fried chicken, cornbread, salad, peach cobbler, and much more. (I was very happy to find out there was still some left so I could get a plate! :) )

As I watch what is going on at the After-School Academy and the Educational Outreach Center, I see a strong community just breaking out of it's shell. We still have a ways to go, but the energy and excitement is palpable.

Quote for the Day

Despite my extreme revulsion to Dr. Laura's radio programs, I really liked this quote on my Starbucks cup:

Many people search blindly for the "meaning of life." What they don't seem to understand is that life does not have meaning through mere existence or acquisition or fun. The meaning of life is inherent in the connections we make to others through honor and obligation.
~Dr. Laura Schlessinger

The desire to serve

One of the greatest lessons I ever learned was from my mentor and friend, Lisa Nigro, who founded the Inspiration Cafe in Chicago.

I had visited the Cafe while on a spring break campaign in college. A fire was lit in me as Lisa explained the concept: The restaurant is only open for breakfast. People who are homeless can request to be in the program. There is a limited number of spaces. If they are accepted, they eat breakfast here every morning (a nice and hearty breakfast prepared and served as if you were in a diner...complete with a short-order menu. The cook and the servers are all volunteers.). For guests to continue in the program, they have to be actively looking for a job and be actively working on their sobriety (if that is an issue). The cafe also offers GED classes and other classes that might be necessary in helping people move forward in their quest for a more stable life.

I was extremely excited that she agreed to hire me for a 6-week paid summer internship at the Cafe! I was so excited and eager to serve!

My first day, I immediately asked Lisa what she wanted me to do.

Her response?

A very calm, "Sit down and eat breakfast with the guests."

So I did.

...but then I was ready to serve!

I approached Lisa very eagerly, once again, "I'm done! Now what would you like me to do?"

To which she replied, "Get to know the guests."

So I sat back down and talked to a few people, somewhat disappointed that she hadn't given me some great, meaningful assignment.

The next day, once again, I came in ready to get to work. Lisa once again replied, "Sit down, eat breakfast, and get to know the guests."

After a few days of me continuing to request things to do, she finally explained that my "job" for the first two weeks was to simply sit down and get to know the guests. She explained, "Though they are homeless, they are people and they have thoughts and opinions. Find out what they think about politics, who their favorite baseball team is, etc. Get to know the people."

I had only six weeks to be there and this lady is paying me to sit down and talk to people for the first two of them! It was ridiculous in my mind, but it was her money so I did what she said.

Fortunately for me, Lisa had already learned something that I didn't know: there is power in a two-way relationship.

As I built new friendships, I was given the opportunity to stand in line and eat at the Salvation Army, experiencing life from the recipient's point of view. I attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I learned about the 12-steps. I learned that Cooper was a poet and a great salesperson...he introduced me to Kahil Gibran, an author he enjoyed... and he taught me about having a positive outlook on life (Every morning, when asked how he was he would say, "Mighty fine, I woke up this morning!"). I had great talks with Lena and Tommy. Harry always looked out for me and Richard was a great friend--both were addicts in recovery who ran the cafe and amazed me with their ability to know when someone was running game.

Now that I am in a non-profit that accepts volunteers, I realize the importance of Lisa's words. I am so thankful that Lisa was steadfast in teaching me about valuing people.

In the non-profit world, volunteers want to come in and "do." But often what is more beneficial to them and to our neighbors is if they would simply come, get to know people, and build long-term relationships over time. Listen to people's hopes and dreams...and share their own hopes and dreams. Find out what someone needs, but also find out what they have to offer.

If you really want to be a blessing to someone, simply be a part of what is already going on. Get to know people. By getting to know people, you will know when someone wants to get in to college, but may not know where to start. You will know if someone is trying to pass their GED, but can't seem to pass their writing. You may come across someone who wants to open a bank account, but is scared to trust a bank and unsure how to write a check or balance their account. Through friendship, conversation may lead to discovering a genuine need someone has.

And on the flip side...

...you may also learn that when you have a need, you now have someone you can go to as well.

"I keep to myself"

Stereotypes about "the projects" create a vicious cycle. They are hurtful to the people who live there and create a fear and distrust for those who don't. Not all of those stereotypes are true. I'm not saying "the projects" are a glamourous and safe place to live...much to the contrary. But what I have learned is that despite the stereotypes, there are many good people who live there.

As I have visited with people in Turner Courts through the years, I have met some really neat people. As we talk, they invariably say, "I don't want any trouble so I keep to myself. I stay inside." Some have told me that the moment they were assigned to Turner Courts for housing, they cried for the first week...or sometimes month. They stayed with friends or family to avoid it as long as they could.

Contrary to popular belief, the residents aren't excited and content to live in "the projects." They don't enjoy the fighting, the shooting, or the break-ins. They want their children to be safe and get a quality education. They want to make enough money to move out.

The problem I see is that community has broken down. The fear and distrust (sometimes perpetuated by rumors...media and such...from the outside and sometimes perpetuated by a few troublemakers on the inside) keeps the good people I've met from knowing (and trusting) one another.

My friends/co-workers...the people who run our After-School Academy here in Turner Courts...are working toward changing that through their involvement in the community, their leadership, and their friendship. Each one of them told me the same thing when I interviewed them for their current job, "I don't want any trouble so I keep to myself. I stay inside." Now that they are connected to each other and working toward connecting with the community, they are hearing the same thing from other residents.

As Wyshina and I interviewed for our new cook position, we both chuckled when every single one of them said the same thing, "I'm just a person that doesn't want any trouble so I keep to myself. I stay inside." I was so glad Wyshina was there. She reassured each one of them that she, Chanel, Sylvia, and Ms. Fields lived in Turner Courts and understood their concerns. She told each of them that our current staff had all felt the same way. She encouraged them to join them at the After-School Academy...whether or not they got the job.

Building community takes time. The process is slow. Building trust is not easy. It will happen, though. Their refusal to give up and their desire to make it all work inspires me. I look forward to and thank them for allowing me to be a part of their growing circle of friends.

People not programs

"You have to say no to something!" my co-worker told me the other day as I had a mini-meltdown in her office.

Perhaps that is true. The problem is, when I have to decide what to say "no" to, the choice often becomes between people or programs.

I like building relationships with people. People and relationships are what I believe makes our programs as good as they are.

The world of outcomes, in combination with cutbacks that cause us to do the job of 2-3 people, takes away the time I have to spend with people. That frustrates me.

Helping kids edit research papers, giving random "you-can-do-it" encouragement talks to teenagers who express fears about taking their SAT, strategizing with seniors when their parent refuses to get tax forms so they can apply to college, chit-chatting with parents, participating in parent meetings, attending ballet recitals, watching step shows, and so many other things.......none of that is my "job" anymore. Yet, without those time consuming activities, I wouldn't be effective at what I do.

Maybe I do need to say no more often. But if I say no, I can't leave out the people.

Respecting each other through dialogue

Last night I attended a film club, sponsored by a local non-profit. The film they showed was about three mothers who had lost their sons to police brutality, yet all of the police officers walked away with no convictions.

Knowing there was a facilitated discussion afterward, as I watched the film I anticipated talking about whether or not people feel that type of uncontrolled police brutality is happening in our communities and, if so, what we can do to deal with it. I thought about the great conversation I had with the Chief of Police of my area and her willingness and openness to admitting that her officers make errors, then our continued conversation about how she is working to deal with those issues. She was honest and did not strike me as a person to defend her officers if they were in the wrong. The Chief and I talked about how that honesty could go a long way in building trust in our community.

Instead, the facilitated discussion was much different than I had expected. The man leading the discussion started off by talking about White "Crackers" with an intensity that I have never heard before. He talked about White imperialism and his disgust with White establishment. As he opened up discussion, other people spoke up with similar comments.

As the only White person in the room, needless to say, I was uncomfortable with the conversation. I didn't know how to respond or react. It didn't seem to bother the people there. They spoke as if I were invisible to them.

I couldn't get the event off of my mind as I drove home. How do I get myself in these situations? The people who invited me don't seem openly hostile toward White people, but it was obvious that there was a lot of anger and hurt in that room. I debated in my mind if I should even be a part of something that seemed to me to promote separatism.

It was still on my mind when I woke up this morning. I talked to a friend of mine who mentioned she had been in a similar situation, but reversed. She was the only Black face in a sea of White people who were complaining about and irritated with Black folk.

I have come to a realization. Maybe attending events similar to that is something I/we do need to be a part of. Yes, it made me uncomfortable. But it also helped me to see the intensity of the pain and hurt that still exists. I need to hear that.

Being there doesn't mean I agree with a separatist agenda. In fact, I am very opposed to that. But how can we ever get to the point of creating dialogue and hearing each other if we don't engage with people who may not have the same ideas as us?

Some of my best relationships have come out of open (sometimes loud and angry) disagreements with people. In the situations I can think of, respect and deep friendship developed when we finally both listened to each other and realized that each person's thoughts and opinions stemmed from their own experiences. Once we realized that, we began looking at situations from each others' perspectives and gained a new respect and interest in each others' thoughts and opinions.

Though I don't believe last night's forum would have been the appropriate place for me to stand up and voice my disagreement with what was being said, being there does provide me with the opportunity to talk to my friends who were there and seek an understanding of their thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Then, if they are open to hearing me, which I have no reason to believe they wouldn't be, it would allow me to also present my thoughts, feelings, and opinions as well. Maybe by placing myself in uncomfortable situations I can have the courage to open myself to conversations that would've never happened otherwise.

My idealism says that it is possible to create meaningful dialogue where we will be able to hear and learn from each other.

Feel free to join in.

Using power for good

Gary has always been one of my favorites. He knows it, other people know it, and I can't deny it. But there are reasons why.

There is nothing I couldn't ask of Gary that he wouldn't do. He knows that I would do the same for him. But what's neat to me is that while I am a resource for Gary (he calls me to ask about anything from relationships to court cases...none of which I am qualified to answer, but he always asks anyway), he has become such a resource to others!

Gary grew up in the neighborhood where I live. Not all of the guys he hung with were good influences. In fact, he nearly didn't finish high school because of his connection with the other guys was always getting him in trouble, in addition to his own smart mouth with teachers who would harass him. I don't think many people expected much out of Gary.

During his first (and only) year in college, he started working at Sam's. As he began working more and more, he didn't have as much time to hang out with the guys. He has never stopped being their friend, though. I admire Gary because he didn't leave the community once he started getting his stuff together. He doesn't look down on people in his neighborhood. In fact, he stays in contact with all of the guys (he just doesn't have as much time to hang out with them anymore), and encourages them to apply at Sam's when he knows they need a job (which he recognizes that many of them do). Then, he offers to use his influence to help them get a position at Sam's. He doesn't just look for any guy, though. He recognizes that he has a reputation (and a job) to protect. If he knows the person isn't going to be dedicated to the job or if he knows them well enough to know they would lose their cool the first time someone says something to them, he doesn't hire them (or influence the hiring of them).

Gary has worked at Sam's for over 3 years now. His personality and charm, along with his dedication and commitment, has moved him up the ranks. They continue to ask him to be a Manager-in-Training (MIT), which he continues to refuse. He doesn't want the stress. (...if only I could say no to inducing stress in my life!). Despite his refusal to do the MIT program, he is still very respected at his job. Gary is in a position to help other people. He has pull. And he uses that pull for good.

Gary has figured out how to use what he has been given to help others.

What are you doing (this question is directed to myself as well) to use your power and your influence to help others?

The Parable of the Talents

Matthew 25:14-30

This scripture, along with Luke 19:11-27, has always confused me. It never made sense to me why a person who tried to save the money he was given instead of risking it foolishly would be punished. Jesus talks all the time about those who have been given little, yet in this situation he takes from the one who was given little and gives it to the one with the most.

I had an a-ha moment the other day, though.

The sermons I've always heard on these two scriptures preach not in terms of finances, but in terms of the "gifts" and "talents" we've been given. Preachers/teachers always seem to sidestep the finance issue of this parable and make it into something simpler for us to handle. Though I agree that we do need to use the talents and gifts God has given us...I think He expects that of us, I believe we're letting ourselves off the hook easy by applying this scripture only to non-material "talents." I have come to believe that this passage is about exactly what it says. Jesus expected the people to "invest" their money. What does he mean by that?

Over the past few years I've started looking at my Christianity from a Jesus point of view. How did Jesus handle situations? Who did Jesus interact with? Where did Jesus spend his time?

What keeps coming up over and over is that Jesus spent his time with people. Plain, average people. People who didn't have a lot. People who were condemned by Christians as sinners. People "Christians" didn't want to associate with.

I like Jesus' approach. It makes so much more sense to me. He invested...in people. There is risk involved when you invest in people. It takes a lot of time and effort and even money, sometimes. The returns don't always come back as you expect. But, as in the parable, when we take those risks, the returns are often greater than we can imagine.

By simply taking our money, our time, our resources, and "burying" them...in a bank, in our own luxuries, within our own comfort zones...we are squandering what Jesus has given us.

"To whom much has been given, much is required."

God asks us to invest. An investment in people--financially, relationally, and spiritually--grows exponentially.

Volunteers

I had a realization the other day. Quite often, I express my disdain for volunteers who want to come and "serve" our community. However, after thinking more about that, it dawned on me that I actually really like volunteers. We have some absolutely wonderful volunteers.

What I realized was that the expression of my disdain stems from two things:

1) The majority of volunteers want to "serve" on their terms. They will offer their time after 7:00 p.m. during the weekdays or on Saturdays or Sundays. Some even seem to get upset as if we should be appreciative of the time they offer and change our schedule so that we *can* have their volunteer services. Many volunteers explain exactly what they can and will offer, yet when we tell them what we need (i.e. homework help) they decline because it is not what they wanted to offer us. They come with their own solutions in mind without even asking what the problem is and without assuming that we might already have come up with a solution that we need help implementing.

It's almost like offering to volunteer is a way out. When we refuse what they have to offer, they are off the hook. They can then say they have offered and we won't accept it. It makes them look like the good guys. Volunteers and groups have offered Christmas gifts, winter coats, loads of bicycles, snacks for children, programs, etc.

I have said no to a number of these offers. I have had people leave very upset because we would not accept their "generosity." Our kids and families have too much to offer for them to be someone's "service project." If they were to get to know the people I know, they would realize how much someone has to offer. They would look longer term than a one-time Christmas gift that makes the giver feel more special than the receiver. If they got to know the people I know they would realize they have dreams, goals, and ambitions they are hoping to fulfill. One time neighborhood clean ups don't offer that. Offering one-time parties doesn't create partnerships that help them reach those goals.

One-time events offer off-brand bandaids (the ones that don't stick) to the pain and frustration. It doesn't help a teenager fill out a college application and then walk with them through the process year after year getting paperwork, financial aid, college loans, tutors, etc. It doesn't help a parent get the education needed to obtain a job that is meaningful to them. It doesn't help a child learn basic (and advanced) skills so that when he/she becomes an adult, he/she is academically prepared to enter into any field he/she chooses.

2) When people talk about wanting to get volunteers to help, 99% of the time they are talking about getting people from outside of the community where they serve. They don't even think about the capacity that already exists right inside the community.

Though many of the parents of the kids in our After-School Academy (ASA) are not formally educated, they are willing to learn. Through our staff development meetings, we bring in the highest quality college professors, school principals, etc. in order to help us understand best practices in education.

But even without the educational training the ASA offers, the parents are an invaluable resource. The parents who run our ASA have recruited a full roster of kids #1 because they believe in it and #2 because they are running it. The parents and others in the community bond together in a way that people outside of the community would not be aware of because it happens before or after hours--when outsiders to the community are usually in the comfort of their own homes.

(For a few examples: I learned the other day that Sylvia has started a "walking club" with a few of the parents. I hear her warning them that she is going to call them the next morning to get them up so they can walk. She said they have also attempted a pilates class. Wyshina has two kids of her own and knows her neighbor isn't really motivated to read to her own kids so Wyshina invites the kids to her house and they all get together and read books to each other. Keisha and Wyshina dispelled some community rumors and frustrations of parents who thought it was it was unfair to have to pay for an after-school program. When they explained the many opportunities we offer--like chess, golf, ballet, and other great opportunities--the parents became interested in enrolling their own kids. Chanel invited another parent's child over to play because the parent had expressed frustration with the unsupervised children her son was around. 6th graders who were formerly in the ASA are now classroom assistants and some are even helping teach classes.)

We have a lot of volunteers and partnerships in our ASA. Only a few are from outside of the community. We are selective. We believe our community deserves to have people who are committed, passionate, and willing to get to know us, our needs, and our capacities. We do not need to be someone's one-time service project.

If you are interested in volunteering, we welcome you. But, if you are coming in from outside of the community, please think about what it would feel like if someone you didn't know knocked on your door then, when you answered, proceeded to tell you about some program you needed, without ever attempting to get to know you, your family, your needs, your wants, or your abilities.

If you are willing to get to know us, give me a call.

A future teacher making a difference now

Jessica Orogbu is one amazing person. She is currently a sophomore education major at Texas A & M-Commerce. Jessica began attending our University of Values (UV) summer program several years ago. After "aging out" of that program, she came back to volunteer. Her committed volunteering efforts eventually earned her a teacher position at UV. She enjoyed teaching so much that during her senior year she found a job working for a daycare. Though she was making much more money at the daycare, she loved the kids at UV. She took a pay cut during the summer to come back and work with us. She worked with us every summer until going off to college last year.

I tell Jessica all the time that she is my mentor. Jessica did all of her college entrance paperwork completely on her own. She would periodically call me to ask for advice on what to do next, but beyond that, she did all of the footwork. I am amazed by her willingness, her determination, and her leadership toward others. (She also made sure all of her friends got their college paperwork in on time).

Jessica is majoring in Education and is so excited to become a teacher. I am so excited to know that in about 3 more years some lucky kids will have an outstanding teacher leading them! Today I received this email from her that I had to share:

Hello Ms. Janet,

Hey I learned a new thing in Psych 300 that I think could be implemented into summer camp if it gets up and running again. As an afternoon class I was thinking a social skills class. Studies show that one hour of social skills training a week, dramatically improves the behavior of a child.(Psych 300....I love it) But it could go over things as simple as what to do if you see someone drop a $20 bill. Even more helpful teaching children to ask questions. As weird as it seems, She said a lot of children feel that asking questions are wrong. It has to do with as a child when they ask the "why" questions to their parent, the parent response which is usually, "Stop asking questions" or something to that nature, traumatises a child. The child then starts to think that asking questions is wrong. So when they are in school and don't ask questions they fall behind. Which again studies show that if a child falls behind for about one month, their TAKS score is found to be three times lower. I think this class could be good for camp as an afternoon class and it doesn't have to be boring. They can role play situations, watch films, and other exciting things. I guess it shows that the entire time she was talking about this, I was thinking about kids camp. lol. Well just wanted to tell you what was on my mind. I hope you have a great day. I will see you tomorrow and I will not be attending the TREK run but I will come to the banquet. I will call you probaly tonight or tomorrow.

Jessica

People like Jessica make me excited about the future and the possibilities our children possess. Keep her (and all of the other budding children) in your prayers.

Power in numbers

I met a wonderful lady in Turner Courts the other day. Our conversation was like so many others I've had with people in Turner Courts.

She has lived in Turner Courts for about 6 months now. However, she explained, the first three months she didn't physically or mentally move in. Instead, she cried every day because she had to live there. Do we actually believe that people who live in the "projects" want to be there?? I have talked to at least three other people in the last month who have said the exact same thing. People don't enjoy being "in the system" and accepting what is handed to them. She, like so many others I've gotten to know, figure out a way to "survive." They isolate themselves mentally and physically in their home in an attempt to stay away from anything bad that might happen.

What I've figured out is that there are quite a few people like the lady I met yesterday. And they are all attempting survival by doing the same thing...staying inside. As a result, they never discover the other good people in Turner Courts who are also doing the "right thing." So, all people ever see are the ones who aren't scared to go outside and start trouble, thus creating the stereotype that all people in housing developments are bad.

The people who live in the housing developments have bought into that stereotype as well. That's what causes the tears. They know they are not bad people, but society has convinced them that "bad" people live in the "projects." Thus, they figure, they are the only one living there trying to do right.

It's just not true!

One of the parents of some children at our After-School Academy told me just the other day that she would've probably never known any other adults in Turner Courts had she not enrolled her kids at the After-School Academy. She, like so many others, said she just kept to herself. She and another parent are now fast friends. I'm hoping that more parents will begin connecting and all of us can begin working toward solutions as a united front.

That is my goal for this school year.