Often, when I tell people that I work for CitySquare, a non-profit, and explain the job I do either with kids or adults, a pretty common response is, "I bet that is such a rewarding job!"
Ninety percent of the time I whole-heartedly agree. It is a very rewarding job in many senses. However, what I often think people who say that have no idea of the challenges, time, and effort that it takes to get to those "rewarding" moments.
This has been one of those weeks where I believe there is no executive that has as much emotional and physical involvement in their work to deserve their million dollar salaries...and that if our society is to work, we truly should tip it on it's head. The people in direct service to the community deserve the million dollar salaries and the execs sitting in their comfortable, air conditioned offices dictating what happens so that they can increase their bottom line (i.e. their pockets) should be the ones making the salaries well under $100K. (And if any execs are out there reading this, I only half-heartedly apologize.). If you know me, I'm not a money person at all...and I don't think that upping our salaries would change anything about what we do. But the way we value people in "high places" is so absolutely backward!
But back to my week...
I always hesitate to tell anyone about the challenging side of my job because I know these one-time events usually create defining moments for people who like to tell others about why they don't live in low-income communities and why they're so scary. So, just to put perspective here, I have been at CityWalk for three months now and it has been a pretty calm community from everything I've been a part of. On the flip side, Keller, TX (a very wealthy suburb) recently had a fatal stabbing right in the middle of a street just last week...so craziness happens everywhere...and drugs are irrespective of neighborhoods...and affect everyone around them. I could go on about the comparisons, but I'll save that for another post.
This week started by events that led to an intervention with a drug dealer/user who was conning people for money. I knew the dealer fairly well (though didn't realize he was dealing...or using). As that situation grew, I then ended up working to calm the people he had conned from doing harm to him, potentially causing them to risk their own housing and well-being. Later in the week, we were forced to confront a very serious situation where several people were nearly physically harmed and definitely emotionally harmed because of a man who decided to use a substance much more serious than alcohol or marijuana. There was definitely more to that situation and to the week, but I don't have the energy to retell it all. Just know it was a physically and emotionally challenging week.
As I ranted to a friend about my physically and emotionally trying week I became even more overwhelmed and more emotional when I realized that none of it included the regular job duties I still have to accomplish...like outcomes reports, grant reports, managing new interns, getting our webpage ready, and so much more that seems so trivial in the whole scheme of things, but that becomes so much more important to someone who wants to know what we're accomplishing. So, even though this week and these situations have brought out my own realizations of vulnerabilities that I need to process and deal with, by Monday I still have to get together those reports for the other entities involved.
Working "on the ground" is not for everyone. Events like those that have happened this week remind me that good intentions, a soft heart, and a giving spirit is not enough...and not necessarily what our communities need. We must have a strong commitment to spotting leadership and working with people to equip them with the resources they need to fulfill their goals. We must believe in creating safe communities with and for the people in those communities as much as we want them for ourselves. We must listen to our neighbors to know which systems and activities in the community need to be challenged. We must work with them and for them to challenge broken systems that are in place...despite the resistance that I promise you will face if you are fighting with and for people in poverty. We must create relationships with all people so that those who have been hurt so long can trust us and those who are hurting themselves will understand that we have such a love and concern that we are here to help when they get ready...though also letting them know that may not mean they get to be a part of our stuff in the meantime. For some, we have to remove them from our programs until they are ready so that their behaviors don't hinder the majority who simply need resources, information, and guidance, and are so ready to access what is available. We must realize coddling and charity doesn't help long term progress.
After weeks, days, and/or moments like I've had this week, I could give up. I haven't quite felt like that, but I have contemplated getting to my bed, pulling the covers over my head, and curling up in a fetal position. First hand experience with these incidents definitely makes me realize how messed up our world is. It makes me realize how little I am in this world. I've had moments of being extremely irritated at God for this stupid idea of "free will." But these moments also makes me pray, reflect, and refocus.
Every time stuff like this happens, though, I am always reminded of the rest of the people in the community who have no choice but to deal with those kinds of things on a more regular basis than I do because of their income...because of the broken systems...because of their lack of connections.
It is because of them, I see hope.
This morning when Mr. McCoy's name popped up on my phone, I was very tempted not to answer. Yet, when I did, he simply wanted to know the time for the Financial Education classes that are starting in a few weeks. He and Ms. Leslie (who have already graduated from the class) are recruiting people...on a Saturday morning...in the lobby at CityWalk...without any of the rest of us there.
Now that's leadership!
That's progress!
That demonstrates what our community is all about.
That defines our community.
And that is what keeps me going.
It's the Mr. McCoy's and Ms. Leslie's of our community (and there are a lot of them) who deserve a safe community with lots of opportunities and activities. Because of them, this tough week is just a fading spot on the radar.
They are the reason I continue.
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Monday, January 26, 2009
Putting the economic downturn in perspective
As I got to the front of the check out line at the grocery store, the lady behind the cash register greeted me.
After she rang up my two items, she asked, "Do you have your [discount] card?" I searched through my billfold to no avail.
"Is it going to affect the price," I asked.
"Probably," she answered.
I kept digging in my purse, then looked up to see what the potential savings might be. It was then that I noticed my total bill was $7.55 for the two, small items I had purchased.
"Oh no, I'm not paying that!" I exclaimed. I had only picked up those two items because they were supposedly on sale. I was about to walk out and leave the items in the store.
"I can look up your phone number," she offered. I took her up on the idea and it worked! My bill went down to $3.18.
"That's nearly five dollars! I can do a lot with five dollars," I chatted with her.
"Believe me, I know," she chatted back. "Five dollars is a lot. In my country, five dollars will feed someone for a week."
Whoa.
"Where are you from," I asked.
"Ghana."
I didn't know what else to say. Her thoughts and comment put things in a completely different perspective. Though I'm aware of the realities of third world countries, when she told me that, it stopped me in my tracks.
As our "economic downturn" continues to get worse, I hope we recognize how many others (here and thousands of miles away) are struggling in ways we can't imagine...and I hope we realize that their struggle should be ours as well.
After she rang up my two items, she asked, "Do you have your [discount] card?" I searched through my billfold to no avail.
"Is it going to affect the price," I asked.
"Probably," she answered.
I kept digging in my purse, then looked up to see what the potential savings might be. It was then that I noticed my total bill was $7.55 for the two, small items I had purchased.
"Oh no, I'm not paying that!" I exclaimed. I had only picked up those two items because they were supposedly on sale. I was about to walk out and leave the items in the store.
"I can look up your phone number," she offered. I took her up on the idea and it worked! My bill went down to $3.18.
"That's nearly five dollars! I can do a lot with five dollars," I chatted with her.
"Believe me, I know," she chatted back. "Five dollars is a lot. In my country, five dollars will feed someone for a week."
Whoa.
"Where are you from," I asked.
"Ghana."
I didn't know what else to say. Her thoughts and comment put things in a completely different perspective. Though I'm aware of the realities of third world countries, when she told me that, it stopped me in my tracks.
As our "economic downturn" continues to get worse, I hope we recognize how many others (here and thousands of miles away) are struggling in ways we can't imagine...and I hope we realize that their struggle should be ours as well.
Monday, January 07, 2008
What happens in the end?
My friend and co-worker pulled me aside this morning. When he asked me to sit down I figured it couldn't be good.
"He's out there again," he explained about one of the teenagers we've both known for quite some time. "He's gone back to crackin' safes, robbing, and drugs. Easy money."
My heart dropped.
The last time I saw the teen, which was several months ago, I knew the light in his eyes was gone. He seemed to have lost his spirit and will to press on. But I really didn't think he'd go back to the life he'd lived as a young child. I thought he was past that. For some reason I thought being around positive people, realizing he could do just fine academically in college, and working a legitimate job would be enough to convince him that the old lifestyle wasn't worth it. I knew he was still friends with the old guys, but I thought he was stronger than their influence.
As I talked with my co-worker, the lump in my throat grew as I told him about other teens who are also making some bad choices...choices that all seem related to money...choices that are causing them to drop out of college...choices that are going to make their current financial situation a life-long reality. Every single one of them have the potential to be whatever they want to be, yet they fall into the trap of feeling like they have gone "without" all of their life and deserve more.
It upsets me that they feel the need to buy things they want...things that are overpriced and brand name (like a $150 pair of jeans or $125 pair of shoes). It angers me that corporate executives feel justified making $5 million a year salaries and then feel the need to cut wages at the bottom of their companies but don't offer cut their own wages. It bothers me that we have created a society that markets spending and debt as a good thing. It infuriates me that payday loans and drugs are targeted at our inner city communities so that wealthy people can gain money on the backs of poor people who just want to survive.
Today, I'm not sure I know how to compete. I don't know what to do to change a mindset. I cannot fathom what we are up against in order to design a program to counter it.
You can tell me all day that, "even if you only help one child, it's worth it." ...and believe me, I love appreciate, and look up to the Jessica's, Kieva's, Shantaye's, Anabeli's, Erica's, Kimberly's...but I can't rest easy and my heart will not stop hurting knowing that the other ones aren't making good choices...and knowing that I/we/CDM doesn't have an answer.
...Kids are using reimbursements from student loans to pay their drug addicted mother's light bill.
...Kids are flunking out of college because they are unprepared academically.
...Kids are being sucked in by friends who are making "easy" money and are convinced they aren't going to get caught.
Why do they feel so invincible? Why do they think that they won't end up in their parents' financial situation when they are making similar choices?? Why can't they see that many of their friends HAVE been caught?? Why can't they see that dangerous lifestyles with guns, drugs, and theivery often ends in prison or death??
I wish they could see their own beauty...what they have to offer. I wish they knew and understood about themselves what I know about them. I wish they believed in their own beauty and worked from that belief so that the world could see in them what I have been allowed to see.
My friend assures me this is just a minor setback. For today, that's what I have to put my hope in. I have to believe...
the ending isn't written yet.
"He's out there again," he explained about one of the teenagers we've both known for quite some time. "He's gone back to crackin' safes, robbing, and drugs. Easy money."
My heart dropped.
The last time I saw the teen, which was several months ago, I knew the light in his eyes was gone. He seemed to have lost his spirit and will to press on. But I really didn't think he'd go back to the life he'd lived as a young child. I thought he was past that. For some reason I thought being around positive people, realizing he could do just fine academically in college, and working a legitimate job would be enough to convince him that the old lifestyle wasn't worth it. I knew he was still friends with the old guys, but I thought he was stronger than their influence.
As I talked with my co-worker, the lump in my throat grew as I told him about other teens who are also making some bad choices...choices that all seem related to money...choices that are causing them to drop out of college...choices that are going to make their current financial situation a life-long reality. Every single one of them have the potential to be whatever they want to be, yet they fall into the trap of feeling like they have gone "without" all of their life and deserve more.
It upsets me that they feel the need to buy things they want...things that are overpriced and brand name (like a $150 pair of jeans or $125 pair of shoes). It angers me that corporate executives feel justified making $5 million a year salaries and then feel the need to cut wages at the bottom of their companies but don't offer cut their own wages. It bothers me that we have created a society that markets spending and debt as a good thing. It infuriates me that payday loans and drugs are targeted at our inner city communities so that wealthy people can gain money on the backs of poor people who just want to survive.
Today, I'm not sure I know how to compete. I don't know what to do to change a mindset. I cannot fathom what we are up against in order to design a program to counter it.
You can tell me all day that, "even if you only help one child, it's worth it." ...and believe me, I love appreciate, and look up to the Jessica's, Kieva's, Shantaye's, Anabeli's, Erica's, Kimberly's...but I can't rest easy and my heart will not stop hurting knowing that the other ones aren't making good choices...and knowing that I/we/CDM doesn't have an answer.
...Kids are using reimbursements from student loans to pay their drug addicted mother's light bill.
...Kids are flunking out of college because they are unprepared academically.
...Kids are being sucked in by friends who are making "easy" money and are convinced they aren't going to get caught.
Why do they feel so invincible? Why do they think that they won't end up in their parents' financial situation when they are making similar choices?? Why can't they see that many of their friends HAVE been caught?? Why can't they see that dangerous lifestyles with guns, drugs, and theivery often ends in prison or death??
I wish they could see their own beauty...what they have to offer. I wish they knew and understood about themselves what I know about them. I wish they believed in their own beauty and worked from that belief so that the world could see in them what I have been allowed to see.
My friend assures me this is just a minor setback. For today, that's what I have to put my hope in. I have to believe...
the ending isn't written yet.
Monday, October 08, 2007
In the midst of struggle
I don't have answers. I don't have solutions. I don't know if the decisions I make result in positive, negative, or neutral outcomes.
I hope.
I pray.
I struggle with my decisions.
My head hurts....my heart hurts.
What is the best way to deal with a 12-year old (and some accomplices) who stole money out of a locked box at the After-School Academy (ASA) while the room was being used by another resident to throw a party?
All four have each been enrolled in the After-School Academy at various times throughout their life. This isn't the first time they have caused problems. But how can we help make it their last?
The good news is that one of their parents called to tell Wyshina (our ASA manager) what her son had relayed to her. She then called the parent whose son supposedly popped the lock and encouraged her to call Wyshina, which she did. It is nice to have people in the community who trust us enough to tell us what's going on. But what do we do with that information???
Do we report it to the police and press charges?...and then deal with the fact that these parents who were honest enough to call us would then be given a 30-day notice of eviction?
But if we don't report it, how much longer will these 12, 13, and 14-year old kids continue? How far will they go before they end up venturing into the wrong place, committing the wrong crime, and ending up in jail, prison, or possibly dead?? The lump rises in my throat as I write this...because it's reality here.
These types of decisions completely disable me. I sat at my desk with a blank stare. I finally left to go get a cup of coffee just so I could drive in silence and think. I came back with no answers.
My heart was/is still heavy. I want to know the right thing to do.
I hope.
I pray.
I struggle with my decisions.
My head hurts....my heart hurts.
What is the best way to deal with a 12-year old (and some accomplices) who stole money out of a locked box at the After-School Academy (ASA) while the room was being used by another resident to throw a party?
All four have each been enrolled in the After-School Academy at various times throughout their life. This isn't the first time they have caused problems. But how can we help make it their last?
The good news is that one of their parents called to tell Wyshina (our ASA manager) what her son had relayed to her. She then called the parent whose son supposedly popped the lock and encouraged her to call Wyshina, which she did. It is nice to have people in the community who trust us enough to tell us what's going on. But what do we do with that information???
Do we report it to the police and press charges?...and then deal with the fact that these parents who were honest enough to call us would then be given a 30-day notice of eviction?
But if we don't report it, how much longer will these 12, 13, and 14-year old kids continue? How far will they go before they end up venturing into the wrong place, committing the wrong crime, and ending up in jail, prison, or possibly dead?? The lump rises in my throat as I write this...because it's reality here.
These types of decisions completely disable me. I sat at my desk with a blank stare. I finally left to go get a cup of coffee just so I could drive in silence and think. I came back with no answers.
God, how long do I have to cry out for help before you listen? How many times do I have to yell, "Help! Murder! Police!" before you come to the rescue? Why do you force me to look at evil, stare trouble in the face day after day?
~Habakkuk (The Message)
My heart was/is still heavy. I want to know the right thing to do.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Success...without my help
I'm sad, disappointed, and somewhat perplexed today.
I get excited about kids going off to college and am amazed by their perserverance and determination. I know they have so many dreams that they want to fulfill. But the complexities of poverty seems to keep getting in the way.
While some of the young adults I know are continuing to perservere in their college education, I have talked to three in the last few weeks who are not, for various reasons--all financially related.
Situation #1: Student decides to go to a private school. As she gets ready to enter her senior year, she can now no longer find no one to co-sign for her loan (because each semester she exhausts all of the loans that can be received in her name). She refuses to go any "less" of a university and insists on completing her private school education. Therefore, she is not enrolled in school this semester.
Situation #2: Student is going to a community college where financial aid takes care of his college expenses. Last semester he ended up dropping a class or two because the promotion he took at his job and the money associated with it became more important. This semester he is not going to school. He says it's financial, but refuses to tell me more.
Situation #3: Student is going to a 4-year university. He failed a class last semester. He said it wasn't like he didn't try, but the class was very difficult for him. Because he failed that class (in addition to getting low grades previously as well), financial aid would not pay for his classes this semester. They have told him he needs to sit out a semester.
I'm sure there are more situations...some that I don't even know about yet. Part of me is frustrated because they refuse to listen. I know that each of them have (or had) cell phones. I know that one bought a car and a "system" to go along with it. I know that one has an addiction to Jordan tennis shoes and always has nice, new clothes. I know that one works minimal hours, even when on school breaks.
Each have told me in so many words, "You don't understand," and none of them will explain to me what I don't understand. Each of them have decided that they will work this out on their own. I wonder if they play on the fact that they know "you don't understand" bothers me. I realize I don't understand their life--what it has been or what it is. But I also know that I have learned something about saving and spending money. I have learned stuff about how the financial aid system works.
I have read and heard what people say about how important "things" are to someone who hasn't had the opportunity to have a lot of "things" throughout their life. As people have told me, maybe it's easier for me to give up "things" because I've always had them. I know that each of the three I mentioned have had to go without things and make difficult decisions on what they get/don't get. I also know that each of them have contributed to making bad loans to friends and family with money they receive from financial aid.
I worry about them. I worry about their decision to buy shoes or pay for $50-$75/month cell phones and not understanding that every little bit they spend on "things" takes away from the money they need to survive, pay for college, etc. I worry that they will "make it," but that they will continue just "getting by." I worry that their "getting by" now will result in them becoming one of the statistics who don't ever complete college. I worry that the times I have helped them financially because I wanted them to have similar opportunities and access as other kids has really just been a bottomless pit that hasn't done anything to help...and may have even done some harm. They aren't like all of the other kids; their obstacles are often greater...but not impossible.
I don't know that there is any way I can help them because they will no longer allow me in. They don't always like what I have to say so I guess that's why they have decided they will figure it out on their own.
I hope and pray they do. I hope that their decision to figure it out on their own doesn't result in them being stuck in an endless cycle. I hope they go to wise people to find the answers they need. I hope they choose to access the many resources available in our communities, offered by so many non-profits (free classes such as budgeting, home-buying, scholarship opportunities, etc.--from what I've seen, most people often *don't* access these classes even when they say it's something they want and need...I have yet to figure out why.).
Recognizing when and how to let go.... boy, that's difficult.
Success is so much sweeter when it is accomplished without outside help. I pray that they succeed according to whatever standards they have set for themselves. I pray that they will ask for help if/when they need it. I pray that I will accept whatever they decide and will recognize the balance of pushing them and letting go.
I get excited about kids going off to college and am amazed by their perserverance and determination. I know they have so many dreams that they want to fulfill. But the complexities of poverty seems to keep getting in the way.
While some of the young adults I know are continuing to perservere in their college education, I have talked to three in the last few weeks who are not, for various reasons--all financially related.
Situation #1: Student decides to go to a private school. As she gets ready to enter her senior year, she can now no longer find no one to co-sign for her loan (because each semester she exhausts all of the loans that can be received in her name). She refuses to go any "less" of a university and insists on completing her private school education. Therefore, she is not enrolled in school this semester.
Situation #2: Student is going to a community college where financial aid takes care of his college expenses. Last semester he ended up dropping a class or two because the promotion he took at his job and the money associated with it became more important. This semester he is not going to school. He says it's financial, but refuses to tell me more.
Situation #3: Student is going to a 4-year university. He failed a class last semester. He said it wasn't like he didn't try, but the class was very difficult for him. Because he failed that class (in addition to getting low grades previously as well), financial aid would not pay for his classes this semester. They have told him he needs to sit out a semester.
I'm sure there are more situations...some that I don't even know about yet. Part of me is frustrated because they refuse to listen. I know that each of them have (or had) cell phones. I know that one bought a car and a "system" to go along with it. I know that one has an addiction to Jordan tennis shoes and always has nice, new clothes. I know that one works minimal hours, even when on school breaks.
Each have told me in so many words, "You don't understand," and none of them will explain to me what I don't understand. Each of them have decided that they will work this out on their own. I wonder if they play on the fact that they know "you don't understand" bothers me. I realize I don't understand their life--what it has been or what it is. But I also know that I have learned something about saving and spending money. I have learned stuff about how the financial aid system works.
I have read and heard what people say about how important "things" are to someone who hasn't had the opportunity to have a lot of "things" throughout their life. As people have told me, maybe it's easier for me to give up "things" because I've always had them. I know that each of the three I mentioned have had to go without things and make difficult decisions on what they get/don't get. I also know that each of them have contributed to making bad loans to friends and family with money they receive from financial aid.
I worry about them. I worry about their decision to buy shoes or pay for $50-$75/month cell phones and not understanding that every little bit they spend on "things" takes away from the money they need to survive, pay for college, etc. I worry that they will "make it," but that they will continue just "getting by." I worry that their "getting by" now will result in them becoming one of the statistics who don't ever complete college. I worry that the times I have helped them financially because I wanted them to have similar opportunities and access as other kids has really just been a bottomless pit that hasn't done anything to help...and may have even done some harm. They aren't like all of the other kids; their obstacles are often greater...but not impossible.
I don't know that there is any way I can help them because they will no longer allow me in. They don't always like what I have to say so I guess that's why they have decided they will figure it out on their own.
I hope and pray they do. I hope that their decision to figure it out on their own doesn't result in them being stuck in an endless cycle. I hope they go to wise people to find the answers they need. I hope they choose to access the many resources available in our communities, offered by so many non-profits (free classes such as budgeting, home-buying, scholarship opportunities, etc.--from what I've seen, most people often *don't* access these classes even when they say it's something they want and need...I have yet to figure out why.).
Recognizing when and how to let go.... boy, that's difficult.
Success is so much sweeter when it is accomplished without outside help. I pray that they succeed according to whatever standards they have set for themselves. I pray that they will ask for help if/when they need it. I pray that I will accept whatever they decide and will recognize the balance of pushing them and letting go.
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